A Letter to my Church

Matthew 25:23 

 “The master said, ‘Well done, my good and faithful servant. You have been faithful in handling this small amount, so now I will give you many more responsibilities. Let’s celebrate together!’

When I applied to my job at ZPC in 2008, I made a promise to my best friend that I would be there for at least one year. She was on staff and gave me the lead that eventually led to me being hired. Little did I know that one year would turn into fifteen wonderful years. Resigning my position last month to accept a new call was bittersweet to say the least. This was not a decision made lightly. Prayer, wise counsel and discernment played a critical role in helping me make the choice to move to my local Presbyterian Church and begin to serve the community in my backyard….and (pray for me y’all) work with teenagers!

I wear lots of hats at church. I coordinate volunteers, develop curriculum, encourage families, dream with my team, plan with my peers…and so on. But if I strip away all of that, what I am at my core is a teacher. The hundreds of Sundays that I’ve spent in my beloved Tree House teaching the children and sharing the good news of Jesus Christ has been my passion and the calling on my life. I’m proud of the job I’ve done. “Well done good and faithful servant” is the verse that runs on repeat in my brain right now. I’ve worked hard, loved hard and given my best for 15 years. 

It’s been a two-way street though. For as much as I’ve given, I have also received. This is the church that loved me through a painful divorce. Brought me kicking and screaming to the Great Banquet and now I totally drink that Kool aid! They have rejoiced with me and celebrated when I remarried. Gathered around me and stepped up through illness, embraced my children, brought me meals…the list is long. ZPC has always been there through the good and the bad for the last 15 years.

I don’t think my experience is unique in the church…or at least it shouldn’t be. As Christians, we are called to be the body of Christ. We are called to invest in that body and be present, willing to serve and invest in those that we worship with on Sunday morning. We live life together. I’ve been so blessed to experience this this type of love in my church. At first, my resignation felt like death and I mourned it like a death. As I approach my final two weeks on staff, I realize that it’s not death. It’s a new beginning, a new journey and opportunity to continue to advance the kingdom of God. Accepting a new position where I can grow and build and share what I’ve learned is exciting to me. It’s my next step where I still get to be “teacher” which other than “wife “and” mom” is my favorite hat to wear….my most authentic me.

I love you ZPC. Just because I won’t be on staff doesn’t mean I not invested in you, your children and your life. I will continue to be around but just as a “civilian” Christian in the community. Thank you for teaching me about agape love, the opportunity to witness service, sacrifice, laughter, tenacity in hardship, absolute joy and light! I take with me lifelong friendships, lessons learned and so much gratitude.

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Love in the time of Corona

“Make every effort to live in peace with everyone” Hebrews 12:14

We are starting our seventh week in quarantine. It’s very odd how quickly we adapt to a “new normal.” I was not one of the people racing out to get toilet paper, bread or milk. Even though I’m a dramatic person, I don’t like drama or sensationalism for the sake or riling people up. I do think we are in this together and #stayhome is #savinglives so I’m all for that. I know people who have had the virus and I know people that have died from it…it’s very sobering. When I start to get upset that yet another gray hair is showing or my piggies are begging to pampered in a pedicure chair, I’m reminded that there are far bigger problems facing us as a nation right now and I need to get over myself and dial it back down.

Maybe it’s not ok to admit this, but I’m enjoying our time in quarantine. We have NO schedule. I gave up wearing a watch weeks ago. We sleep when we want, get up when we want. Our family is enjoying the slow pace of life and I couldn’t be happier about these stolen weeks spent with my favorite people (even though most days I’m coaxing my three teenage sons from their rooms with home cooked meals, or cookies…they respond to cookies). The boys have been helpful, relatively clean and we have had a good time! Connor is headed off to college in the fall and I feel like this extra time with him has been the greatest blessing! There’s no fighting…it’s like we are the Musketeers! All for one and one for all! When I listen to my boys tell jokes, stories or laugh together-there is no sweeter sound on this planet.

Am I allowed to feel happy during this time? I’m going to say yes and take the win! My husband and I love being together…I mean….we LOVE it! If we are both home, we are together. We like the same shows, we each think the other is hilarious, and this time with him to slow down, walk the dog every day, talk about our hopes and dreams is such a gift! I treasure this time together that’s not dictated by schedules and the demands of a busy life.

I’m knitting a pandemic afghan, reading books and doing my part for the economy via online shopping. I cook five nights a week and support local restaurants the other two nights. I’ve learned a TON about digital content and how to reach my sweet children in my ministry via Facebook and remote ways to stay connected. I’ve watched tutorials on make-up tips for women over 40, started a lifestyle plan to shed some lbs and get better mental focus and energy, and I’ve written my next book. I feel creative in this time because I’ve had some space from “normal” and being “abnormal” with my routine has been creatively freeing.

There are things I miss but that’s not this post. That’s not what today is about. Today is about love in the time of Corona and saying it’s ok to find joy in this time. I don’t know how much longer life will look like this. I’m grateful for our health and safety and continue to pray for those around us and who are on the front lines. For now, I’m off to try a meatball sub recipe for dinner…and tomorrow is Taco Tuesday.

 

A good old Corona Cry

 ^“For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” Matthew 18:20

When I first heard the words “social distancing,” “quarantine,” “don’t leave your house” I was totally fine with this. I get to hang out in my house all day with my favorite people, my faithful dog and watch Netflix? No problem! I’ve considered my days a success if I change from pajamas to lounge wear. My kids are older so e-learning has been a breeze for me! The most difficult parts of my day have been learning “tech” to do online videos for my beloved kiddos in my ministry. But even then I’ve convinced myself that I’m working my brain during this crisis through acquiring knowledge about iMovie, YouTube and creating/maintaining a Facebook page. I like myself, I like my family, I like my house, I can entertain myself. I was made for a quarantine.

Until this morning…

I spent the week preparing and making my video to send to my kids who I wouldn’t be with in church today. My favorite day of the week is Sunday. I love seeing my families!!!  I got my cup of coffee, ready to make the most of virtual worship, grabbed my husband and relaxed on my couch! I was ready to be fed with some JESUS!!! My pastor and friend appeared on the screen. He was in our Gathering space at church…a place that at this very moment on a Sunday would be filled with people I love…my friends…the people I worship with. The Gathering space was empty. As Jerry began to describe what would typically be happening on any given Sunday (except this one) I felt the sadness invade my soul. The tears started to well and then the crying started. I wasn’t made for a quarantine!!! I was made to be with all the people I love. I’ve worked at ZPC for 12 years and this is the 2nd Sunday in a row where I haven’t been with my kids, my teachers, my friends, my church family. I am NOT ok…I’m so NOT ok.

ZPC- I miss you. I always shout from the rooftops that I love my job and have the best job on the planet. This time away has made me reflect that indeed, I do love my job. I do have the best job on the planet. I’m tired of Netflix. I want to wear more than Pj’s and sweats. I want to get back to relationships. I am NOT ok with social distancing…social distancing is the worst. One of the questions in our sermon today was “what do you miss?” I miss my church. I miss my co-workers. I miss my friends. I miss you. I’m tired of Netflix…I have watched everything.

I will continue to do my civic duty and stay away from all of you but this is hard. One of the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’ve been through divorce, my kids have had their struggles, I live with two autoimmune diseases…I know hard. I hate hard. BUT I love all of you and during this time I will be praying for your safety, talking to you through FaceTime and Zoom, seeing you on Facebook and Instagram. You’re in my heart. Keep the pictures coming…I love seeing them!

Yesterday, I got some yarn and downloaded a pattern to make an afghan. I’m turning off Netflix and working on sharpening some of the old knitting skills! My Pandemic throw will be an heirloom to share with my grandchildren someday…yes, I’ve become that person.

 

 

I’m the Meanest Mom

And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased. Hebrews 13:16

There is nothing I love more than celebrating the freedoms that our country is founded on. “We the people” is close to my heart and NOW is a time for “we the people” to come together to fight the Coronavirus. I believe in social distancing, flattening the curve, allowing those who are elderly or have a weakened immune systems to enter grocery stores early to get supplies without risk of danger to their health. I have extreme gratitude and mad respect for those who are risking their health to help those that need it. My heart goes out to parents who are struggling with the new found job of “teacher.” My oldest son was born three months after 9/11 and will potentially graduate from high school virtually among the Pandemic of 2020. I understand that we are a nation (world) of people who are frightened, unsure, worried….

I am prepared to deal with these emotions in my home, with my friends, in my ministry. I am a very strong person and I can take a lot! I’ve got you! I’m best at yelling out the battle cry and cheering us on as “we the people” hunker down and fight this thing! All for one and one for all!

What I have been unprepared for, what has me the most upset…is the reaction of my fourteen year old son, Cooper. He is beside himself that this has ruined his social life including friends, sleep overs, shooting hoops and eating out. Today, our beach vacation for spring break was cancelled. The beach is closed because people are making wise decisions and doing their part to prevent the spread of this virus. His first questions was whether or not I was going to allow him to hang out with his friends and “ease up” on this social distancing thing? In complete and total transparency with you reader, my initial reaction was anger. I could feel it bubbling up inside me. Has this kid watched the news? Listened to his teachers? Participated in ANY conversation that involves a social conscience in the last two weeks??? I’m sure that read all over my face as I tried to remain calm and keep my voice even. I had to remind him again that, although we don’t know what the future hold, we have to practice social distancing not for him but for the benefit of others.

Easily, one of my top ten favorite movies of all time is Star Trek II, The Wrath of Khan. I grew up with a “trekkie” and will go to the mat all day to defend the “original” Star Trek’s and no one is a better captain than James T. Kirk! My dad would have us watch all the original reruns and poo-pooed the Next Generation and so on. Dad is definitely a purist when it comes to that stuff. No remakes…nothing beats the original! At the end of the movie, Spock goes into this containment area to prevent the death of those on the ship who are facing nuclear disaster. The only problem??? Self sacrifice. As I watch through bleary tears every. single. time. I see Spock as he’s dying in the chamber and Kirk runs to him and asks “why?” Spock says “the needs of the many outweigh the needs or the few…or the one.” Spock then makes the Vulcan sign and Kirk responds in kind and that’s how Spock dies (sorry if this spoiled the movie if you haven’t seen it).

Not that I’m asking Cooper to be a Hollywood statistic, give me the Vulcan sign and call it a day BUT I do want him to THINK OF THE NEEDS OF THE MANY!!! I want him to think of his grandparents, the seasoned saints at our church. I have a weakened immune system…I would like him to think of me. It’s exhausting telling him “no” all day everyday but “no” is what he will hear. No, we will not endanger those around us. No, we will not think of ourselves before others in this crisis. No, we will not forget to do good and sacrifice for others, because it is what God has commanded us to do.

This is a season of hard, uncertainty and valuable life lessons. My goal is to raise thoughtful, socially aware children. My big three for parenting are 1. identity in Christ 2. Be Kind 3. Leave the world better than when you found it. Social distancing falls into the third category and it’s that simple. So, I’ll grab my broom and witches hat and continue to be the meanest mom because (just maybe) there’s a lesson in there and my prayer is that he will listen and obey.

Book recommendation for those who feel anxious: Anxious for Nothing by Max Lucado

Movie recommendation for those who like awesome movies: Star Trek II, Wrath of Khan

 

 

 

 

 

Faith over Fear

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” (Phillipians 4:6-8)

I’ve been asked to speak to a MOPS group tomorrow and the topic is “Faith over Fear Parenting.” What I really want to do is tell these beautiful, sweet young moms who are nursing their little darlings that still smell good (ahhhhhh is there anything better than new baby smell????) that this is the easiest it will ever be…drop the mic…and move on with my day! They haven’t entered into school (bullies), sports (cuts), academics (what do you mean a “C” was your best work???), hygiene (deodorant does a body good), driving (I don’t even have the words), interest in the opposite sex (that was a fun talk…not) and preparing to send said darling baby to college because he’s now at 18 year old adult man because you once blinked and that’s how fast the time has gone.

I won’t do that because no matter what I say or what anyone would have said to me, it’s hard to imagine when you’re in the trenches of motherhood that it will truly go that fast. When carseats were tough and you had to go to the fire station because you didn’t trust your own instincts that baby Scooter was truly safe. I remember being convinced that Connor would be a bilingual baby so I started labeling everything in Spanish and English…nothing prepares you for the disappointment of your pediatrician  sending you to First Steps because forget Spanish…he’s not even speaking English…

The worry, the anxiety, the stress, that “Am I good enough” is enough to drive a woman over the edge. If it weren’t for one critically important thing. You are never alone. Not for a minute and it’s not the baby pulling at you or your toddler watching you go to the bathroom. It’s not your husband or your friends (although NEVER underestimate the power of your girlfriends). You’ve got a Heavenly Father that always on your side! In the worst of times…he is there. When you fall, he is there. Your biggest cheerleader? Again, it’s God. My advice to these wonderful moms is to be so reliant on God that he’s your first thought when you wake up and your last thought as your head hits the pillow. Yes, struggles, tragedy, exhaustion, depression, surprise, wonder, absolute delight, storms, pain, joy….they are all part of parenting. It’s the ultimate ride in your favorite amusement park. God is beside you, sometimes carrying you, every step of the way. Fear is a sense of danger. This is reality. Your children could be put in a fearful situation. Don’t do that!! When we get bogged down by anxiety that’s the “what if” game and homey don’t have time to play that game. It’s dangerous, worry has no place in your life and take it to God. He’s the creator of the world…he’s big enough to handle your problems and help Junior out too.

I would never diminish the relentless job of parenting and we are all in this together. I want to encourage you to be a light for those around you. Some of us are struggling and the struggle is REAL. Be a friend, get a tribe, don’t to this alone. And above all, do not judge other women or other parents. I saw something on Facebook recently that said “Motherhood is like eyeliner. We are all just winging it!” True that!

Parenting an Adult???

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6

Well it’s happened. My baby, my firstborn turned 18 in December. Someone once told me that the days are long but the years are short. I think when you’re in the throws of parenting toddlers it’s hard to imagine that the years are short because the days are hella long. But now, as we are in his Senior year of high school, he’s 18 and heading off to college in the fall, I think about that phrase a lot and it’s so true.

Three weeks before Connor turned 18 he sat me down and announced that there was no way he could finish all the merit badges he needed to complete his Eagle Scout requirements. He has been a scout since he was six years old, completed the mandatory Eagle project and when he told me this I sobbed my brains out. I have listened to the wise advice of  parents who had gone before me….the ones who told me there were valuable lessons in letting your child fail. I absolutely believed this until it came to the failure of my son. The fact that he had come so far….to climb the rope and slide back down without ringing the bell…was NOT okay!!! I contacted the Scout Master and by the Grace of God, he rallied the  troops and these amazing men came alongside my son and dragged him over the finish line. He had his board of review on his 18th birthday and passed. We are now planning his Eagle Court of Honor ceremony.

I realize that I’m less important to him in the mundane day to day living. I’m painfully aware that he wants my opinions and views less and less. I’ve heard “I’m an adult now” more times than I can count. While I appreciate and accept his autonomy as he finds his way in this world I want Connor to know that I’m always there for him. I’ll always be his biggest cheerleader and right or wrong I’ll drag him across that finish line myself when I think he needs the “W.”

A new year, a new decade, change…growing pains for both of us and I learn to let go and he learns to fly. By the way…we were playing a game last night at a family birthday party and you had to name your biggest accomplishment. He said his was getting his Eagle Scout. #proudmama

Christianity and the Greek System

I remember vividly being a fresh-faced college freshman walking along and admiring “Fraternity Row.” The large beautiful homes proudly displaying their Greek letters and emblems.  I couldn’t wait to go through rush (the rigorous process of visiting each sorority and ranking them while they in turn rank you…not stressful at all…HA)! I desperately wanted to be part of the social and philanthropic aspects of sorority life. The Greek population at Ball State University in the mid-nineties only counted for about 20% of the student population. I successfully navigated rush and got into a sorority that I loved! It felt so special. I shared something in common with all the men and women that had chosen to take the plunge and rush a fraternity or sorority. Even though we may have been in different houses, we all came together under the category of “Greek life” and being part of that group felt really good. It was a sisterhood I could depend on, fun, laughter, and friendships that continue to this day. Some of my best days have been spent with my “sisters” and I look back fondly at those memories.

Picture it…Bid Day of Fall 1993 a day of nerves and anxiety in spades! In college, after you have visited every *house and met all the girls (you choose them but then they have to choose you back). Then all the girls who participated in rush are gathered in the gymnasium for the big reveal. You’re given an envelope containing the “magic words” that you’re expected to leave unopened until told otherwise and wait patiently with it on your lap while the people in charge give you the spiel about how it was a difficult process and some people may be disappointed blah blah blah.  Finally, the go ahead is given and you find yourself ripping open your envelope with lightning speed to see where you will be pledging your love and loyalty for the next four years of your college existence (and more if you choose to become an active alumni).

*At Ball State sororities didn’t have houses, we had suites.

I clearly remember opening my envelope and seeing my first-choice sorority! Looking back, I wish I had saved that card that clearly had Welcome to Alpha Phi written in script. It was so exciting and new and wonderful! I was giddy with the thought of being part of this special group. I had four amazing years with my sisters and best friends. Parties, fraternities, Alpha Phi does a lot for the American Heart Association and it was great to be involved with that on a charitable level.

Then you graduate and unless you get directly involved with the Alumni or choose to work for a fraternal organization it pretty much moves to the back of your consciousness. Jobs, houses, spouses, kids, dogs, laundry…life. It can leave you feeling lonely…accept that there is a “Greek System” available to us and it’s through the community in our churches. As a body of believers, we are all in the special club! It’s the club of Salvation and your Bid Day card says Welcome to Eternity with the Prince of Peace. How awesome is that?!? Within that club we have different choices. The Tri-Delt’s (Methodist), Pi-Phi’s (Lutherans), Kappa Delta’s (Presbyterian), Evangelical Alpha Phi’s. Even though we are different and that’s a place that could easily divide us, we are under the larger umbrella of God. As believers we have an opportunity to proudly display our “letters and emblems” and invite people to join. Yes, this is a very special club but unlike the girls gathered around me on Bid Day who were openly crying because their envelopes didn’t have the beautiful script writing they were expecting. God is offering salvation and everyone is invited.

Loving Left

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

There are two absolutely polarizing topics that one is to NEVER mention in public without fear of permanent banishment from all things social. They are politics and religion. So, this makes life very dangerous? Exciting? When the very essence of the person you love most in the world is the polar opposite of you in not one but BOTH of these taboo topics.

I am a conservative Christian married to a liberal atheist. Has this made for some serious debates? You better believe it! Have I gone to bed hopping mad? Yep! Have we followed each other around the house arguing our point of view to exhaustion and in utter disbelief that we haven’t been able to change each other’s point of view on gun control, salvation or illegal immigration? 100%. Do we love each unconditionally? Yes to that one as well…he’s my person for better or worse. We have committed to love one another and fight with and for each other till death do us part. In full disclosure, we’ve come close to that a few times during some Presidential elections.  J

How has loving my husband changed me? I am gentler to those who don’t share my opinion. I am more open to hearing other points of view and why someone feels a particular way. I am less quick to judge. I am slower to anger. I am more accepting. I am a better listener.

I live with and share every detail of my life with someone who has fundamental differences from me. I would tell you that I think he’s the greatest man I’ve ever known. My ride or die. Do I want him to “see things my way” absolutely yes! I pray for him every day of his life. I have also stopped trying to change him. I love him where he is and for who he is. I’m grateful for the person I am because of him. He teaches me to love unconditionally and be kinder and more open to understanding. These are great things! I believe that he would say the same thing about me.

I am going to love my husband and appreciate that we are different people. We are always stronger together. Loving left…not for the faint of heart but totally worth it!

The “Last” First Day​

Psalm 121:7-8 New International Version (NIV)

The Lord will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

Well, it’s arrived. The moment I’ve dreaded since sending my oldest to Kindergarten. Today was Connor’s last first day of school. He has started his senior year of high school. I’ve said many times that Connor gets a lot of the fearful parts of my parenting. As my oldest, everything is new and terrifying for me. I have prayed so many times for a “Parenting in the Age of Social Media” manual but one has yet to appear. I hate the cliche “the days are long but the years are short…” and I hate that cliche for being so darn true! I blinked and now this man/boy is staring back at me. He has his own thoughts, opinions and feelings and several times I’ve found myself staring at him and asking “Who is this person?” As I reflect on this life that I birthed and poured into I feel scared and proud and happy and anxious….but mostly I feel not ready. Read that carefully I AM NOT READY. But as I have found this to be true with almost all of my parenting life, this isn’t about me. Connor IS ready. Connor is confident, smart, funny, a dreamer, a leader, a great son, friend, brother, and follower of Christ. There are times he drives me crazy but mostly I am so proud of him. I like him. I would choose him as a friend. He is prepared.

A few thoughts I want to get down as I know this year is going to fly by much faster than I want it to. It’s my first last day too and I want all my sons to know…

1. Know your worth! It’s NOT what anyone at Carmel High School says it is. Your identity is in Christ! Place your trust in Him!
2. Look for the joy in little things!
3. Be grateful.
4. Be humble.
5. Be kind (I’ll say it again because it’s so important, be kind).
6. You can do anything you set your mind to.
7. Take care of your body. Don’t do stupid stuff with it!
8. Look for opportunities to grow spiritually.
9. Your family loves you know matter what.
10. I am so proud of you. You are ready! Follow your dreams and fly!

“Lord, I pray a hedge of protection over my sons. I ask that you are a constant presence in their lives and that you make that presence known. I pray they are uncomfortable with sin and I pray they always get caught. Shine your light through them and use them to advance your kingdom. Your will be done.” Amen

 

Summer Schedule

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:1

Since 2012 summer has represented a very bittersweet season to me. I love when, to quote Alice Cooper, “school’s out for summer.” I long for those lazy days and sleeping in and swimming and all the carefree fun associated with vacation time. I have never been the mom counting down until the first day of school, end of Christmas break or wondering when the kids were going to be out of my house. I LOVE having a loud house with my three teenage boys running around, pushing, fighting and laughing. They are such typical “boys” and I wouldn’t have my house any other way. As I sit here, I’m entirely sure that collectively they are responsible for each gray hair I have colored on my head every five weeks. 🙂 It hasn’t all been roses and unicorns, but I love being a mom and I love being their mom. I daily navigate a world of testosterone that rivals that of a fraternity house but again, I am so grateful that God gave me these three children. I know it’s not very PC in today’s day and age but what I really wanted to always be (yes, my answer is still the same at 44 years old) is a mom.

I refer to myself as divorced, not by choice. For the sake of my children, the details pertaining to this circumstance will not be on the internet. We got divorced in 2012 and that’s when my thoughts of carefree summers changed. According to the law, we now had the “summer schedule” which is a 50/50 split in parenting time. In the absolute most plain English I can use…I hate it. The boys are with me most of the time during the school year so this 50/50 split in the summer is drastic, awful and again, I hate it. I miss them terribly. To my ex-husband’s credit, when the boys were younger, I would only go about four days max without seeing them. I think he knew it was very hard on me and tried to accommodate my broken heart. I really appreciate that about him. Last summer, we started a week on/week off schedule. And while I think this is easier for the boys, I still hate it…every single stinking second of it. Have I mentioned that I hate it? As June approaches and people are renewing their pool memberships and updating their summer wardrobe…I’m dreading the “Summer Schedule.” I realize that many divorced people have a 50/50 split all the time. I get it. You may think I’m lucky that I only split the summer… but, for me this is very difficult. It represents scars from surviving divorce and I know that it’s not supposed to be this way. I’m supposed to be there. All the time. I didn’t give birth to these three precious children to be reduced to a “summer schedule.”

Seven summers later, where is God in all of this? Where can I find hope and faith when there are parts of my heart that still break when I know what’s coming for three months? How does God use this pain to help others? I can honestly say this was the first summer I didn’t spend the month of May riddled with anxiety and sleepless nights imagining worse-case scenarios while the boys are with their dad. I spent more time mentally preparing for how I was going to use my free time to meaningfully engage with my sweet husband (celebrating FIVE years of marriage next month) and incredible friends. I spent more time at the pool this summer reading and floating and being in the moment. I spent LESS time feeling guilty….why is mom guilt the worst? I choose to be happy and content this summer. I read the bible more and studied God’s word more and truly thought about what it meant to live that out. I let my kids figure some things out on their own and manage their own feelings and expectations. I guess we are all growing up. In the end, I know that it all works out. I know that God is always victorious and to those who love him, all things work for good. I also that he has a plan and it’s for me because God is always for ME and God is good! I have chosen to believe in his truth and that is how I have managed the stinking summer schedule.

Yay for me!

p.s. I only have one more week to go until we back on our regular schedule….Yippee!!!

 

 

 

Words don’t have Power…Say what?

“Wise words are like deep waters; wisdom flows from the wise like a bubbling brook.” Proverbs 18:4

I am not a cool parent. My kids have curfews, chores, rules, and responsibilities. I offer an abundance of love, grace, mercy, choices, and autonomy. The autonomy part is what’s currently coming back to haunt me. I’ve done my best to not only talk about Jesus but to show Jesus to my children. They have grown up going to church, youth group, camp, VBS, we pray, we openly talk about salvation and Christianity, we discuss other religions and what it means to be a follower of Jesus Christ. Now reader, with all that going on you might assume my home is the epitome of good Christian values and morals and my darling obedient children fall in line with a simple glance from me. Sigh…deep deep sigh. If only that were true. I am raising teenage boys (3 of them) and they are forming values and opinions that are of their own volition. One such belief recently came from my oldest son, Connor. He’s 17, smart, funny, handsome, loves Jesus and Kayne, and is quite a good rapper and can drop a sick (or is it psik or sic) beat (see…NOT cool).

Connor has a sound cloud account where he makes and mixes music to share with the world. He doesn’t want me listening to unless he sends me a song. I have tried to respect his art/music while also talking about an electronic footprint and things that colleges and future employers will have access too. AND let’s not forget WWJD. This weekend he has been asked to perform live and I told him I would love to go and support him! That’s what moms do…we support!! He said that I was absolutely NOT allowed to go because wouldn’t be sharing lyrics that would make me proud. As my feathers start to ruffle and my blood begins to boil (because I’ve been working for 17 years to ensure that he is the very essence of Christian virtue) he follows up with that it’s no big deal because “words don’t have power.”

This thinking could not be further from the truth! Words are the ultimate use of power. They can build people up…spread kind words like confetti! Go ahead and make someone’s day! Cute outfit? Share it! Love someone’s haircut or smile or shoes? Shout it from the rooftop! Words that build people up are the ultimate FREE gift. It costs you nothing to be kind and say something to lift someone up!

They can also be used as the ultimate destroyer and a source of deep pain that can never be taken back. Words are precious and should be used with prayerful consideration and strong conscious thought as to what is being put into this world.

So, my sweet boy, my son, my light…words DO have power. I pray that you will use them wisely and you will be the bubbling brook that God wants you to be. You have so much talent and God has truly blessed you. You make me proud every day! Use your words for good because you have so much good in you…share it! I love you!! XOXO Mom

 

 

Discovering Cooper

Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it. Proverbs 22:6

Nature versus Nurture, the long-debated topic as it relates to child rearing. Which is the stronger entity? How do children in the same home with the same rules and same upbringing turn out so different? These are the questions that ran through my mind before I became a mom…

Then I became a parent to three sons and I can tell you exactly how children in the same home turn out very different. I am not the same parent to each of my children. When my children were little I fully expected to raise them exactly the same way. As they grew and formed into these amazing human beings with thoughts and feelings that were independent of one another, I realized what worked for one may not work for the other two.

I believe I parent my oldest son, Connor, from fear and/or trepidation sometimes. Everything with him is a new adventure (some great adventures and some rides I would prefer hadn’t been taken). I don’t know what the outcome will be. I’m Jasmine from Aladdin singing “A Whole New World.” I’m literally winging it (just like my eyeliner). I pause, I second-guess, I make mistakes, I take some wins and praise God when things turn out ok and cry out to God when they don’t. I lay awake at night the most… worrying about Connor.

My second son, Carter, is parented from a place of pure joy! I have learned from Connor that most things in life won’t kill my children. Situations turn out ok, the worry is mostly unwarranted. Carter is this amazing human being. He’s funny, super talented in the performing arts, smart and I stress less about things with Carter because Connor has blazed the trail and things are much less scary the 2nd time around.

Meet my third son, Cooper. In full and complete honesty, sometimes  I feel that I’m a lazy parent with Cooper. I know for SURE that he will still get into college someday even if he gets a “C” on a test. Issues will friends will work out, issues with teachers will work out. It’s no biggie. I monitor screen-time less, grades less and worry less about Cooper. He’s got it! I could tell you he is the biggest sports freak I know. He requested ESPN+ for Christmas so that he could watch all the back episodes of 30 for 30. Cooper is also so funny and smart and charming. He is someone that will impact change in this world for good! Cooper tends to stay more to himself than the other two. He won’t tell me who he likes, share his hopes and dreams, or watch the 30 for 30 episodes with me (yes, this rips my heart out with a dull spoon).

Yesterday, I was speaking at Cooper’s school for Career Day! I had a BLAST! Boy was it fun getting to talk with students about being an author and sharing something I am so passionate about. When it was over, Cooper’s sweet English teacher asked if I had read any of Cooper’s work. Sheepishly, I admitted that I hadn’t. He doesn’t like to show me his work, and being the 3rd child, this isn’t a battle I need to be in. Well, she proceeded to share with me that he was a talented writer and a very bright student that shines through his writing. She kindly showed me a few samples and I was blown away. My incredible kid who only wants to ever talk about sports, breath sports, live sports, is a very gifted writer. I told him I saw his work and he was embarrassed and didn’t want to make a big deal. But on the inside, I’m so incredibly proud of him and so ashamed of myself that I didn’t know this about him.

Then, last night was Cooper’s end of the year choir concert. I was shocked as he got on stage and had the voice of an angel. Strong. Confident. Self-assured. This was his last choir performance as he told me in no uncertain terms that he was not continuing in the choral program (yes reader this pains me deeply). What a way to end though…he was amazing. Again, I’m so proud of him and the young man he is becoming.

Cooper-I love you. I am sorry if you’ve ever felt like you got my parenting left-overs. You are an amazing gift from God and you have been given so many talents. You shine in everything you do. I am so proud to be your mom and every day you bring me joy. Your role in our family is so important. You are special. You are a star. You are so very much loved. I see your future and know that you can do anything you set your mind to. My prayer is that you always love God and are in a relationship with Him. Follow him and he will make your path straight.

 

 

The Gospel according to Lipstick

“May the God of hope fill you with all Joy and Peace as you trust in him so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy  Spirit.” Romans 15:13

One of my favorite things is hanging out with my mom! In a post Mother’s Day Celebration we met up yesterday for a “treat yo’ self” day. We hit up Jo Malone, Anthropologie, Free People and worked our way over to Nordstrom to have lunch in their cafe. Even though the Nordstrom Cafe has done away with our favorite sandwich (gruyere and prosciutto) we were determined to find a new favorite (goat cheese and turkey….YUM) and their famous fries with olive kalamata aioli. Don’t we sound fancy?!? After our delicious lunch, we headed to our favorite place, the Nordstrom shoe department. We were NOT disappointed! As you can imagine our “treat yo’ self” wore us out and we decided to head home. On our way out we took a spin through the cosmetics area. We are both absolute, without a doubt, unashamed makeup junkies!!! I’m always on the lookout for the world’s best lipstick and have tried every lipstick on the market (drugstore to high end). Ever since taking medication for autoimmune disease nothing stays on my lips anymore (I am also no longer attractive to mosquitoes…weird right?) After looking for my tried and true La Prairie lipstick and finding the counter no longer at Nordstrom in Indy, we sadly left without a single makeup or skin care product between us and started the walk back through the mall. We had parked on the other side at Saks (trying to burn the maximum number of calories while we shopped and had our day of fun). Again, we made our way through the cosmetics area and I found a microscopic area of La Prairie…yay! I would get the only lipstick that stays on my lips! The choices and joy!!! BUT I was then sadly informed that La Prairie was no longer making makeup and was focusing on super expensive skin care. My dry unpainted lips and I slowly started making our way out of the store when the kind associate asked if she could show us anything in another brand. I told her that I was on the hunt for my “white whale” a lipstick that didn’t come off until I was good and ready!

My mom and I were introduced to Chloe, she was the manager at the Saks Nars counter. I have never seen so many lipstick options. Matte, gloss, stain, you name it and they had it. I was a skeptic because I have been lured down this path before only to be completely disappointed as I watched my lipstick attach itself to my coffee cup, napkin, mug, husband…etc. Anywhere except my lips as the day wore on. Chloe, mom and I began talking about lipstick and it’s staying power. The challenges are talking, drinking, chewing your lips and food. Chloe had something that would take care of all of that. She began pulling out colors and testers and soon there was a rainbow of long-lasting color swatches up her arm that would have impressed the most serious lipstick connoisseur. I eagerly found a color and prayed to the Lipstick God’s that this would be my holy grail of lipstick. Despite my skepticism, I was still hopeful that something could be done to give me the color and staying power I so desperately wanted.

Last night as I was thinking about my new Nars lipstick and the hope and promise contained in that new tube, I felt that it was very similar to want I want and hope from God. I face challenges in life as we all do. AND what I really pray for is that God is there through it all! The good, the bad and the ugly, God will remain budge-proof and offer shine and longevity that gets me through my day!

I recently had the privilege of serving on a great Banquet team. This is a three-day spiritual retreat and it’s awesome!! 15 talks by amazing women, the never-ending, unfailing love of God…it’s the best way I can think of to spend 72 hours! I love everything about the Banquet. I often reflect on the time spent there and was recently thinking about one of the talks called “Staying Power.” It’s about the struggle that one may encounter after leaving the Banquet and being out in the real world again and how to stay connected to God in our day to day living. As I apply my new lipstick today and hope that is has the staying power I’m looking for I am reminded of the sweet women I had the opportunity to serve with and the women who attended their Great Banquet for the first time. I’m praying that they feel a connection to God that has a greater staying power than any lipstick formula in the history of the world! I love my sisters in Christ and know that the staying power we are searching for is more than skin deep…it’s eternal.

Welcome to my Circus

“Do not cling to events of the past or dwell on what happened long ago. Watch for the new thing I am going to do. It is happening already—you can see it now! I will make a road through the wilderness and give you streams of water there” (Isaiah 43:18b-19).

Last night I was at a HomeGroup study with some of my favorite church ladies! It was time to go around and take prayer requests. When it was my turn, my sweet friends turned to me and asked how they could be praying for me this week…and cue the crickets. “Bueller?  Bueller?  Bueller?” My mind went completely and utterly blank. Is there really nothing in my life that requires prayer right now? That’s a dangerous way to think and let’s be completely honest, maybe I’m in a place where if I started listing my prayer requests I wouldn’t be able to stop. God has woken me up very early the past two days to pray about a lot of different things going on (praising him for the good and definitely asking for his help regarding things that would cause me to worry).

It’s like I’m one of the featured acts in a circus. I’m juggling a lot of balls at the moment. I have several friends that desperately need me to be there to support and listen to them right now because they are going through some things (welcome to the exciting lion attraction)! I’m a mom and a wife and I’ve got a high maintenance family, to say the least, but I’m crazy about them (it’s now time to see the acrobats). We are coming off of Holy week, which is an incredible time and if you work in ministry, you know that it’s also a wild time (Ohhhhh, the strong man). I have this incredible opportunity to write a book series that I couldn’t be happier about (send in the clowns)! I’m in this fun group of women (wow…flaming batons) and we are studying the book “The Best Yes” which is super ironic because I don’t know if I’m even capable of my best yes right now…that’s not true. I do know what things make my best yes. It’s a matter of actually carrying those things out and being ok with telling people “no” because as Lysa Terkeurts points out most of us have a “disease to please.”

Sometimes I’m afraid that if I’m too focused on making everything fit that I’ll miss the new things that God has for me and the opportunity to give my Best Yes! I can’t think of anything worse than the “Ostrich Syndrome” sticking my head in the sand and missing all the goodness God has got for me. God is alive and well and moving in my life in profound ways. AND he is making his presence known. I know he wants me to “watch for the new thing” and not get stuck at the circus mastering my juggling act. This verse from Isaiah is about hope and opportunity and God working for my best future and that of my family. I want to rest in that because that is TRUTH!  This is the verse I’m going to meditate on this week because it helps me prioritize what’s important. Through that discernment, I’m able to choose a life that gives me peace, contentment and most of all an obedience to Him. Forget the cotton candy and popcorn I’ve got more important things to focus on. Kingdom things…and that is MY best yes.

Peace out Ringling Bros.

 

Searching for Joy​

When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy. Psalm 94:19

There is a wonderful children’s picture book called Alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Today…I am Alexander. I have had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Parenting has been a DRAG today (Teenagers…can I get a witness?) and when it rains it pours. I’m sitting here marinating in my pity party for one and have decided to force joy and gratitude into my day. I repeat that I am NOT feeling it but I am going to choose joy and be grateful anyway.

My Top Ten things that I am joyful about today:

1. God is CRAZY about me! I rest comfortably in this knowledge.
2. My sister is moving home after being in Oklahoma for 18 years! She is here this week looking for a house and a job. Pray she gets both! I am grateful for family.
3. My husband is the best ride or die ever and I am so grateful for him and our marriage!
4. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my job! I am grateful for the opportunity to do something that brings me absolute joy and challenges me to be my very best!
5. One Smooth Stone, Book 1 in my 12 Book series, will be out in June!!! I love my Literary Agent and my Publishing company. I am so grateful to them!
6. My infusions are working and I feel pretty good health wise! AND 3 cheers to the nurses who administer my Rituxin. They are kind, competent, and caring. I am grateful for them. #Autoimmuneawareness
7. I have the very best friends a girl could ever ask for! Grateful isn’t a big enough word to describe my tribe.
8. I have time to pursue my passion and hobbies. I am grateful that God has given me these gifts.
9. I got a massage today! I am grateful that I was able to practice self-care and reduce my stress level.
10. My new glasses are pink and have a hint of glitter in them (sometimes it is the small things and I am grateful for them).

Ok, that was easier than I thought it would be. I still think today was a difficult day to be a parent. As I think about the list and especially the wonderful relationships God has placed in my life in the last few months with my agent, publisher, editor, etc. I am excited about this next chapter (book pun intended). I am choosing joy because when I look around there is so much of it! I am grateful!

I feel better and maybe I won’t move to Australia.

 

No Smoking in the Bathroom

If you honor your father and mother, “things will go well for you, and you will have a long life on the earth.” Ephesians 6:3

Last week was Spring Break in Indiana and my oldest son Connor and I set off for the deep south on a road trip with my parents. Road trips have long been a part of my family. Growing up in Indiana, with my whole family still in Chicago, meant frequent trips back to the Windy City for visits. I am the oldest of three siblings. My brother and sister fought, so that meant that I had to sit in the middle, on the hump (you remember the hump, don’t you?), for three long hours back to Chicago every time we visited my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. My sister sat behind my dad who was at the wheel and would systematically kick under his seat until he “had enough” and would reach back to give her a pinch. She was agile and with cat-like reflexes would dart out-of-the-way and I would get the pinch. Ouch!

As we got older and the five-passenger car wasn’t big enough, we would rent minivans for trips that we would take. We called these “Happy Van trips.” As an avid reader, I always got to sit in the way back so I could have my nose in a book and no need to converse with anyone else in the car. I missed a lot of scenery including all of the Pacific Coast Highway, the Smoky Mountains and various other landmarks in America’s heartland.

I adore my parents and I missed out on growing up with grandparents in the same state (remember the trips to Chicago?) and I wished so desperately to have grandparents that were close to home. As an adult, I had a say in that with my own children. My neighborhood connects to my parents neighborhood so that my kids would be able to interact with them as part of their daily lives. I consider us extremely fortunate that proximity allows us to plan lunches, dinners, school plays, random coffee dates, and vacations together. Last week, with my husband working and my other two boys with their dad, my parents and I got Connor to ourselves for a week of fun-ish. I remember the first road trip my parents took with Connor and me when he was very young. Connor and my dad came out of a rest stop area and had decided that there were “rules” to road trips. Rule #1 was “No smoking in the bathrooms.” None of us smoke, I don’t know why this is Rule #1…but it is. Any of my children could tell you Rule #1. As we set off on our journey last week, my dad got in the car and asked Connor what the first rule of a road trip was…and sure enough, Connor told my dad “No smoking in the bathroom.” Despite a rocky trip (see Being Bratty post) there were several highlights and lots of laughing and memory making. As we all get older and time marches on, I’m so grateful for an opportunity for us to all get-together. I realize that it’s a precious gift and I am thankful.

Being Bratty

Cursed is anyone who dishonors their father or mother.”  Deuteronomy 27:16

“You’re on thin ice,” I heard this come out of my dad’s mouth and directed at me today!!! I don’t think I had heard these words since I was a teenager. I was horrified that at 43 years old my dad would even think to say that to me or raise his voice at me (yes, I was in trouble). I’m an adult and way past the age of admonishment.

We had been talking about spring break. Last week, my parents graciously took my oldest son, Connor, and I on a wonderful vacation to Memphis (to see Graceland and the National Civil Rights Museum), Mississippi (Historic Vicksburg and Natchez) and ended at Space Camp in Alabama. Well…it would have been wonderful but in full disclosure, Connor was a total brat. He sulked, he moped and was basically a wet blanket for the first half of this trip. He didn’t want to be on vacation. He didn’t want to leave his friends. How dare we take him to the deep south when we know he is against racism (for the record, we too, are against racism). I thought he was going to have a nervous breakdown when we stayed at a Plantation turned Bed and Breakfast in Vickburg, MS (the Plantation had been occupied by the Union during the Civil War and served as a hosptial for soldiers). We stayed in the Jefferson Davis room…this did NOT go over well depsite the Plantation being preserved due to the owner’s ties with General Sherman and the Northern states, Connor did not want to sleep in a room named for the President of the Confederacy. I could go on and on with the painstaking adventures of a grumpy teenage boy but frankly, I don’t want to recount it becuase it annoys me all over again.

Recalling the events of the “vacation” today and the money spent and bad attitudes created the perfect storm. I haven’t felt well today and have some big things on my mind and maybe I was ready to poke the bear and have a fight…I don’t know. I do know that I turned into the brat! Here I was complaining about my ungrateful son and all of a sudden I turned into that ungrateful daughter. Yuck!!! Maybe the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree because I was definitely showing my ugly side and that was indicative of my week with Connor. I usually think about parenting from my tiny fishbowl perspective and what it’s like to parent my kids. I don’t often think of what it’s like for my parents to still parent me. Today, at 43 years old, I deserved to get checked! I was being ungrateful, moping, complaining and NO ONE likes to be the turd in the punch bowl but there I was, floating around ruining it for everybody else!

Today, this blog is my own admittance that I can have a bratty kid and I can be a bratty kid. I am not comfortable acknowledging my shortcomings but I hope that awareness of them and being genuinely sorry will help me grow as a mom, daughter, wife, friend and Christ follower.

Dad- I am so so sorry for how I acted today. I love you and mom more than anything and I am beyond grateful for everything you do for me and the boys. I couldn’t ask for better parents!

Connor- I wish that you had been kinder, gentler and more understanding and appreciative of the trip and our time together. It’s no longer years until you’re gone, it’s months…weeks…hours…minutes.  I love you so much and I can’t believe how fast the time has flown by and you’re almost an adult (Father Time, you are a cruel beast). I feel the pressure to create as many memories as possible for you so that you will want to come home, visit and still need me. My grandparents are gone and I would give anything for one more trip with them…one more day with them. I tried to give that to you. I know it’s not what you wanted but I hope someday you can look back and know that I tried.

 

The Grub Master

“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” James 1:5

Dear Reader, I’m suffering from the dreaded mom-guilt. This is a common symptom is my parenting repertoire. Maybe it’s because I’m trying to make up for us living in a world with a giant “D” for Divorce on our chests. Maybe it’s because I had everything growing up and more and I want that for my children. Maybe this is just my own affliction to overcome. Here’s what my current case is…

My middle son, Carter, is going on a camp out this weekend with the Boy Scouts. I love that he’s a Boy Scout! I have mad respect for the scouts and can’t wait for the day when I can get a license plate that says I’m the proud mom of an Eagle Scout. I’m completely on board with their mission, high ideals and have made many Pine Wood Derby cars in my life. I’ve been the Den mom and put my time in but as the boys have gotten older, I’ve stepped aside and been grateful for the men that have come alongside our troop to help these boys learn and honor the motto “be prepared.”

The campout begins tonight. Carter was assigned the task of Grub Master. This is the scout that plans the meals for the weekend, sends his mom to the grocery store to get the items and packs said items. Then the task of cooking and cleaning is distributed among the boys for the weekend so they can work together and take turns doing the different jobs. Carter needs to do this for his Eagle requirement so as much as I hate when he is Grub Master (because it’s a pain for me) I do understand the necessity. Well…other plans have come up. Carter would like to attend a concert at the high school tonight and have me drive him up to Lafayette tomorrow morning at the crack of dawn (more than an hour from our home). This would entail packing up all the food, bringing it to the troop to load and unload tonight (now making it a responsibility for someone else) and a two-hour car trip for me tomorrow morning at 0 dark hundred hours. I had been stewing about this for days when two separate friends told me today, that I can say “no.” Carter committed to the campout. Carter committed to being Grub Master and I don’t have to give up my Saturday morning (I have a bible study on Saturday mornings that I love).

I’m not sure why saying “no” seemed like such a novel idea. Then it hit me…mom guilt. I want to bend over backward making life easy on my kids. AND guess what? Life isn’t easy. I have another friend that says “fare is what you pay to ride the bus” (I’ve got some really smart friends). So, I’m going to work through my mom guilt that my sweet little boy is going to miss an activity tonight to honor the activity that he has already committed too. I am also going to recognize that I am human and can’t do it all and don’t want to do it all.  I will encourage him to pack up all the food the Grub Master is responsible for and help Carter honor his commitment. I can’t have him part of an organization whose motto is “be prepared” and then get in his way when he needs to develop the skills to do just that. I’m sure he will be less than happy with me when he comes home from school and learns that he needs to be “Johnny on the spot” and get ready to go tonight but I feel that this is the best thing for him. Thinking about the long game of parenting can be a true challenge…brutal at times. But I’m raising someone’s future husband and father and that person needs to be someone who honor’s their commitment and knows how to see things through.

Be prepared…for life.

 

Bridge for Beginners

^“But these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name.” John 20:31

I grew up in a card playing family. One of my first memories of my Great-Grandma Fran is her teaching me to play Gin Rummy on a tiny table in their compact kitchen. She and my Great-Grandpa Stew had an apartment in the Chicago suburbs and when I was visiting my grandparents, my Grandma Nancy would always take me to visit her parents. For hours we would play. I learned the tricks of the trade and heard stories of my Great- Grandpa’s gambling days when he was a card shark and actually won someone’s car once!  Was I ever impressed with these escapades and I wanted nothing more than to be good enough at cards to play at the adult table someday. This is also where I learned to shuffle the deck with a killer waterfall. I believe this is an inherited trait as my Great-Grandmother and Grandma could both shuffle like no one’s business. I was in great company! In addition to Gin, I learned King’s Corners and solitaire. However, there was one game that did and continues to elude me. My great white whale…Bridge.

I come from generations of Bridge players. My parents were in Bridge groups growing up and it looked like so much fun! My beloved Playgroup was going to learn but somehow we got sidetracked raising kids and that past time fell by the wayside. I would like to learn with my husband so that we can go on the pro-circuit and be card sharks too, just like my Great-Grandpa Stew. There is only one problem…for the life of me, I can’t figure this card game out! The suits, the bidding, scoring, trump, no trump, slams…it’s all Greek to me. In an effort to once again try and figure this game out, I’ve been acquainting myself with was is allegedly the “best Bridge book for beginners of all time.” (quote from my mom) Charles H. Goren’s Contract Bridge for Beginners. Its copyright is from 1949 and opens with Preliminaries in Chapter 1 “For the purpose of this chapter, I am proceeding upon the assumption that the reader is totally unfamiliar with the deck of playing cards. If in your case I have made an incorrect assumption, please do not, out of a sense of courtesy, linger over these pages. Simply skip this chapter on Preliminaries.” In full disclosure, I am familiar with the deck of playing cards but I’m so impressed by the politeness and tone of this book, I will continue to read the Preliminaries!

This task of acquainting myself with Bridge made me start thinking about the Bible. Because I’m in ministry, I get asked all the time where I would recommend people start when trying to read the Bible. I forget that it can be a daunting task. I want to tell people that they too, can skip the Preliminaries. Some days, I start with a particular book of the Bible. Right now, I’m studying the book of Ruth so I’ve been hanging out there quite a bit. Other days, I close my eyes and open to a completely random area to see what God wants to say to me on a particular day. Usually, it is very relevant and something I need to hear. I don’t believe in coincidence so I know I better pay attention. If I feel like praising God, I go to the Psalms. Life of Jesus? I head to Matthew, Mark, Luke or John. Present day church? Acts. History? First five books of the Bible. I guess my point here is that in order to know God, you have to start somewhere. And he wants you to know him. Don’t treat God like he’s your white whale. Start today, whether it’s with the Preliminaries or somewhere in the middle, he’s waiting for you.

“Written by the leading authority, the foremost teacher, and the most successful bridge player in the world, it will prove a boon to the novice and bridge player alike.”

 

 

 

 

I can do hard things

But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:26-27

My friend Kate’s mantra is “I can do hard things.” I love this because it resonates with me. I too can do hard things. Now don’t get me wrong…I can count my blessings from here to the moon. I love my husband and have a happy marriage, I am the biggest cheerleader on the planet for my three wonderful sons. I have the absolute best friends that anyone could ever ask for. My parents live close by, are relatively healthy and we have a strong family bond in my nuclear family with my parents, brother, and sister. I love my job and am blessed by incredible co-workers that cheer me on, support me and get in the trenches of ministry with me…side by side. I have terrific volunteers, parents, and children in my ministry. Every day I get to think, plan and create opportunities to share the gospel…I am a truly blessed person!

Then there are the icky parts, the parts that keep me awake at night. The parts that keep me in constant prayer with my Heavenly Father. I have an autoimmune disease that rears its ugly head every so often and reminds me of my humanness. It’s tough for me to put down my cape and tiara and practice self-care in the form of rest. I have an extremely difficult relationship with my ex-husband. How this affects my children weighs so heavily on my heart. Divorce is hard. The ugliness of divorce is hard. The pain years later for my children is hard. Forgiving someone who has never apologized or asked for forgiveness is hard.

Parenting can be very difficult. I have said and done things that I could never imagine in my wildest dreams. We’ve been down some deeply challenging roads. I couldn’t be more grateful for the people who have stood in the gap to provide leadership, integrity, a strong moral compass and grace for my boys. Nothing has had me on my knees at the cross more than praying for my children. Someone once told me that when you become a mom, your heart lies outside your body. To that…I shout a resounding at the top of my lungs AMEN!

I’m reminded of the lyrics to the theme song of one of my favorite childhood shows. “You take the good. You take the bad. You take them both and there you have the facts of life.” I hope that I’m able to enjoy the good things in life because I’ve experienced the bad. It definitely makes the good taste sweeter, seem more special and creates in me a feeling of gratitude for the good and thanks to God for providing it. This doesn’t mean that I can forget or blow off the bad…I hate the bad. I really really hate the bad. I will listen to my body and rest when it needs rest. I will continue to pray for healing in broken relationships. I will continue on my knees in prayer for my beautiful children. God sent me the world’s greatest advocate in the Holy Spirit (sent in HIS name) to be on my side. And when my wings are down or I feel hopeless I pray for a loud reminder of this and God reminds me of his peace and to not be afraid. I think this is really important. God is NOT giving me the peace that is of this world. We live in a world of sin that’s full of the icky stuff….but God gives us something even better. HIS peace. The peace of God. This is how I know I can do hard things. God is my Heavenly Father, he has prepared a place for me and I can rest in his peace.

I can do hard things.

The Dirty “D” word

Where for forty days he (Jesus) was tempted by the devil. He ate nothing during those days, and at the end of them, he was hungry. The devil said to him, “If you are the Son of God, tell this stone to become bread.”  Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone.’” Luke 4:2-4

I’m going to say it right off the bat…The Dirty “D” word is for DIET. I think I’ve tried almost every diet known to man. Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, Atkins, Mediterranean, Whole 30…I’ve been in (and out) of The Zone. And guess what? I think they all work! If you are determined and have committed to making the long term changes affiliated with these dietary plans then I think anyone can be successful. Then why have I failed? Why do I have a trunk full of weight loss books waiting to be sold back at my nearest neighborhood Half Price Book Store? I’m pretty sure this is because I have FOMO (fear of missing out…on the next food driven celebratory soiree) or maybe I just get lazy. I’m not big on New Year’s resolutions but I did vow that I would look at how I approach areas of weakness in my life and how I could do a better job at being intentional in those areas to see growth and progress. I purchased the book Full, by Asheritah Ciuciu (I know. I know. Another book…I AM an author and will tell myself that this is for the great good of authors everywhere). The difference is that this isn’t a diet book. No quick fix, no easy meal plans for busy moms on the go and no diet. This book is about the connection to healthier relationships with food and a healthier relationship with Christ. Well, who wouldn’t want that?!? I read on….

I have a lot highlighted in this book so far but here are a few of the “big” ideas that have really resonated with me.

“No matter whether we’re eating healthfully or bingeing on comfort foods, we will not find the satisfaction we seek until we realize our cravings are meant to point us to God.”

“We don’t need another diet; we need the sanctification that comes by the power of the Spirit.”

“No comfort food can match the comfort I’ve found in Jesus.”

“Food cannot fix anything-God is the only one who can satisfy us because He created us to find our satisfaction in Him.”

There’s LOTS more in this book and it’s taking me a while to not only read but process what God is saying to me through this study.

I’ve decided to practice the discipline of self-control while I read this study. I’m doing it through IF (Intermittent Fasting). I fast for 16 hours and can eat during an 8-hour window. I take this one day at a time. I’m trying to really depend on Jesus for EVERYTHING and this includes finding satisfaction in Him. Living for Him does take sacrifice and it’s NOT easy. But His death for my sins wasn’t easy. Nowhere in the Bible does it say life will be easy. And I know that I can’t live on bread alone and word of God is the living word and I’ll serve that up on a platter any day of the week!

Galentine’s​ Day: 13 Quotes to Celebrate Friendship

 “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17

Parks and Rec…what a great show that made me want to move to Pawnee, IN. Leslie Knope was famous for her quirky yet extremely sentimental “holidays.” and coined the term “Galentine’s Day” to be celebrated with her gal pal Ann on February 13.  Over a decade has passed since the first Galentine’s Day and the concept has only gained momentum.

My closest besties call ourselves “Bakers Dozen” so here are 13 of my favorite quotes and inspiring words for all the gals out there making a difference!

1.  Here’s to strong women. May we know them. May we be them. May we raise them.

2.  Empowered women empower women.

3.  A strong women looks challenge dead in the eye and gives it a wink.

4.  You can tell who the strong women are, they’re the ones building each other up instead of tearing each other down.

5.  Some women fear the fire…some women simply become it. (r.h. sin)

6.  There is no force equal to a woman determined to rise. (W.E.B. Dubois)

7.  If you’re searching for that one person to change your life, look in the mirror.

8.  “You always had the power, my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself.” (The Wizard of Oz)

9. “There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.” (Madeleine Albright)

10. “Uteruses before duderuses. Ovaries before brovaries.”  (Leslie Knope)

11.  Never make yourself small for anyone. Be your own person and try wearing a little lipstick. (Grey’s Anatomy)

12.  Be strong enough to stand alone, smart enough to know when you need help and brave enough to ask for it.

13.  The world needs strong women. Women who will lift and build others, who will love and be loved. Women who live bravely, both tender and fierce. Women of indomitable will. (Amy Tenney)

To all the amazing women in my life (starting with my MOM)  I treasure you. You’re a gift and I honor you this Galentine’s Day!

 

Error Worm

Have you ever heard of an ear worm? It’s when part of a song, usually the chorus, gets stuck on repeat in your head. Over and over the lyrics play…twenty…thirty…forty times. It’s without fail that I fall victim to the dreaded ear worm when I’m sound asleep. I wake up in the middle of the night with songs running through my head with no end in sight! It can be maddening. I’ll try to sing another song to break the cycle. Anything but the seven hundredth time of whatever I was listening to that day. The older I get the more difficult it seems to ward off the ear worm. I have visions of recording artists laughing maniacally in the corner wringing their hands saying “we’ve got her now.”

There’s just one problem.  I am famously awful at knowing the words to a song. Until very recently I thought the Go-Go’s hit song “Our Lips are Sealed” was “Are you for Real?” It made complete sense to me and I’ve sang this song forever the wrong way. It drives my husband bananas. I now have a car where the title of the song shows up on my dashboard. Wow…it’s like a whole new world of music for me! It’s completely changed the way I listen to music. I still regularly create my own lyrics and for better or worse, I’m like Frank Sinatra singing it “My Way.”

Until…

I listen to mostly Christian radio and last week I was listening to a song I’ve heard for years by Big Daddy Weave called “The lion and the lamb.” There is a lyric in there that I thought went like this:

My God is alive…

Of course, my God is alive! I move on with my day (sing my song). But that night I could feel it coming on…the dreaded ear worm. Closer and closer it called me “my God is alive” Ugh! I couldn’t take it anymore. I just had to look up the lyrics so I could sing the song in its entirety and then hopefully break the cycle of the dreaded ear worm and get back to the business of sleep.  I grab my phone (painfully aware that the glow of the phone is NOT something that will lull me back into a dreamless sleep). I start searching for the song “My God is alive” and I’m getting zero, zip, zilch in search results. What DOES pull up is “My God is a Lion” Wait, what???  A lion? That doesn’t make any sense…My God is a lion??? I’m desperate enough at 3 am and click on the lyrics and sure enough, I’ve been singing this song wrong forever and the lyric is actually:

Our God is the Lion, the Lion of Judah

I want nothing more than to crush the earworm from my brain and now I’m realizing that God is a Lion and the Lion of Judah no less and, like Alice, down the rabbit trail I go.

As you may know, Judah is one of the twelve tribes of Jacob and is commonly used to describe Jesus in the Christian faith and used once in the book of Revelation. I look up characteristics of a lion and these words come up “strength” “royalty” “courage”. I start to think about Jesus and know these are characteristics that he also portrays through the Bible. The ear worm ‘My God is alive” slowly start to recede and the words “My God is a Lion, the Lion of Judah” wash over me. My ear worm turns to praise for a Heavenly Father that sent this baby…this savior to us. A Savior who can be both lion and a lamb. I’m filled with peace and humbled by gratitude for this lion who stays by my side and fights for me and has courage when I’m faltering and is strong when I’m weak. I eventually drift into a sleep befitting the daughter of a King.

I woke up and shared this experience with my husband. His comment was that I actually had an “error worm.” How true! I’m so thankful for this “error worm” because it gave me time to learn more about God and reflect on Him and a few of His attributes.

I know I’m going to continue to goof on my lyrics to songs. It was brought to my attention recently that Journey did not write a song called “’Endlessly.” However, I feel that in this circumstance, God was using this as an opportunity to draw me closer to Him. Maybe it wasn’t an error worm after all but an invitation to sit as the feet of Jesus and rest in Him.

“Our God is the Lion, the Lion of Judah

He’s roaring with power and fighting our battles

And every knee will bow before You.”

Busy Season

I’m going to let you in a little secret. November 1 hits and immediately my brain shifts to “it’s busy season.” Church decorating, planning and executing events for families and visitors, truly making sure that the stocking are hung by the chimney with care. Over the years, I’ve gotten pretty good at this. The love of Christ I pray you experience when you walk through the doors is my heart’s desire. I love my church, my job, my families and ministry.  I want the best possible experience for you, especially during “busy season.” However, I have forgotten that God doesn’t want us entangled in busy. He wants us at his feet, in our hearts, living breathing deeply for Him. He showed me his splendor once again and I write this today grateful, slower, appreciative of this season and for a God who deems me worthy of sending his son.

The week before Thanksgiving I was walking my dog, Lola. I slipped and fell on wet leaves and uneven pavement. Immediately I went into “busy” mode. I didn’t have time to go to the hospital-the throbbing pain in my ankle was probably temporary right? I called my dad to lead my beloved Soul Sisters group, called work to say I might be late, and finally after ice, elevation and the calm voice of reason from my mom we went to the hospital and…broken ankle. This is NOT something I have time for right now. It’s busy season!!! BUT God came through, my volunteers came through, my children in ministry and their families came through and that Sunday went off without me while I splayed on the couch streaming services feeling like I was missing out on not being there. 

Thanksgiving comes and I’m not longer hosting which is now fine with me because my calf hurts a lot! It hurts so much that I decide it’s the boot and I will not wear it one more second because it’s causing me so much pain. I actually posted this on Facebook and a ZPCer saw it and reached out to me. I ended up at Orthoindy to have the boot looked at. God sent me an angel named Jen who told me that she suspected a blood clot and gave me stat orders to head to the ER. She was right and I was admitted to the hospital. There I witnessed a packed house! No spare rooms, all hands on deck and it was constant. Another Sunday to miss, volunteers to rally, children to hear the gospel, and ZPC had it covered! I could focus on recovery. Once I took a deep breath and switched my focus from busy to rest…I saw God and he was everywhere at that hospital. My nurses were so kind and patient, and reassuring. My CNA had attended Awakening and Great Escape as a teen. Every morning I ordered my breakfast, and the sweet lady who answered the phone would have a good laugh with me over the point of decaf coffee (there isn’t one). Taneesha took out my trash each day and shared that her grown children had finally moved out the weekend before and we spent time talking about that. I was finally allowed to “take a lap” around my floor and I witnessed the nurses layering up and putting on their precautionary gear to go into a Covid room. My doctors took so much time with me, listening and developing a game plan. I knew ZPC and so many others were praying. I truly got to experience the love of Christ during my stay and this whole experience has been nothing short of a miracle. I know the dangers of a blood clot and things could have gone a different direction. I was shown love, compassion, empathy, kindness in spite of the true busyness of the hospital and it’s never ending line of patients needing care. The day I left, there were 7 people in the ER waiting for beds. 

So, it’s no longer busy season for me. It’s the season of goodness. The season of miracles. The scripture today is from Psalm 96:1-13. 

It begins:

“Sing to the Lord a new song;
    sing to the Lord, all the earth.
Sing to the Lord, praise his name;
    proclaim his salvation day after day.

I don’t like that it took a broken ankle and a blood clot to slow me down and jog my memory this Christmas but you better believe that I’m singing to the Lord and praising his name. Over and over- he saved me, sent people to love and care for me and sent his son so that I can have eternal life with him. I’m forever changed by this experience and forever grateful. Abundant blessings to you this Christmas season…Jesus is coming.

Prayer: Father God, I sing your praise for you are good. I ask for you to show me the slow in this day so that I can give you the glory. Amen

Activity: 10 deeps breaths- Breath in and think “more of you God” and when you breath out think “less of me.” Rid yourself of worldly things and breath in the everlasting life of God. Do this throughout the day! It’s a great habit! 

Lent: The Never ending Season of Sacrifice

Mark 1:13
And He was in the wilderness forty days being tempted by Satan; and He was with the wild beasts, and the angels were ministering to Him.

In full disclosure-Covid has made me LAZY! The extrovert in me has been tamed. I am perfectly content in my home with minimal contact from the outside world. I’ve finished books, Netflix and have no idea when my kids go to school or learn virtually. My loungewear game is on point and so are my eyebrows as they are the only part of my face being seen in the last year due to the never ending need to mask up.

I have become a professional shopper from my couch. I can and have ordered anything and everything my heart desires and it shows up at my door. No muss and no fuss! From groceries to Gucci-I click add to cart and here it comes! I have become addicted to packages arriving at my doorstep daily and my greatest pleasures include listening for the doorbell and delightedly opening my next package. I live for it! Did you hear that reader….I live for it!

I have also found my tribe of friends who live for it too. We talk about what we want to order, show pictures and ohhhhhh and ahhhhhh over the next blazer, shoes, trench coat, dress….pick something. We are there for it. These are my people.

Fortunately, these same people are my Jesus loving, dying to self, up for a challenge tribe and we collectively decided (some more eager than others) to give up online shopping for Lent. We can purchase in person-but honestly-where’s the fun in that????? In preparation I ordered A LOT! I need that slow drip fix of packages showing up to my door because I didn’t want to just go “cold turkey.” Ash Wednesday, February 17 was “D” Day. Our commitment to honor the sacrifice that Jesus made for us leading up to his death and resurrection. I had a few packages delivered that week from purchases I had made prior to Ash Wednesday. My family kept saying “but you gave that up for Lent” and I would proudly exclaim “these were ordered before Lent.” I felt my first real defeat when I got a notice that I was receiving a refund because one of my packages was “lost” in the mail. “Was that you Jesus????” Then I went into a period of legalism. Look at my! My sacrifice! Wow…I’m a star! Then sadness….what I wouldn’t give to click ” add to cart.” I watch out the window as the FedEx guy drives past my house…Amazon…same thing. My mail carrier only deposits mail…no boxes of goodies eagerly waiting tot be torn open and admired by yours truly.

I’m in the home stretch. Have I learned anything? I’ve learned that I can do it. I haven’t cheated. I have learned to think about the sacrifice that Jesus made for me. I think about that a lot. My internet browsing has changed. Instead of being on the computer at night scouring sites and looking for things I really don’t need I’m reading more, engaging more with my family, praying more, listening to God more. I’m practicing the art of being still. I think I’ve grown as a person through this. You might be reading this an thinking it’s a dumb addiction or what an easy thing to give up for Lent but it hasn’t been easy. It’s been hard. But Jesus dying on the cross and sacrificing himself for humanity was harder. I can do this! Easter is coming and we will be singing Christ is Risen….He is risen indeed.

Joy? Peace? Hope?

John 1:29″ The next day John saw Jesus coming toward him and said, “Look, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!”

Parenting at every stage presents its own highs and lows. Yay! Little Prince is walking…Yikes! We need to baby proof everything. I have always appreciated each stage and embraced that I will have successes and failures in each of those stages….until now. My boys are 15, 16 and a week shy of 19. They are on a hybrid schedule for school (my oldest is home from college until January) and these kids can suck my life force like nothing I have ever experienced in my life.

Last night, I prepared a family dinner and you would have thought I was asking they to lay down in the street so I could run them over with my car. My attempt at a lovely meal around our table so beautifully decorated for Christmas…hopeful that we could talk about our highs and lows of the day, the Advent season, smiling at each other lovingly was an epic failure. They complained, they fought, they were jerks. My joy at having the family around the table together slowly began to seep out of my body. As I looked around at each of these people that I GAVE BIRTH TO and then stared helplessly at my husband, I had this deep sadness. Who are these people? Where did they come from and what are they doing in my house? It’s ADVENT and we will be HAPPY!

As I prayed about this last night and again this morning (and in full disclosure there were tears) I realized that my joy in the coming of our Savior this season can happen simultaneously with the struggles of parenthood. It doesn’t diminish the Christmas story. This week we light the candle of peace for week 2 of Advent and my prayer is that even in the midst of total chaos, I remember that Jesus will still be returning in the form of a baby…God’s son. Shaping my thoughts in this way does help me cope with the less glamorous parts of parenting of which there seem to be many during the teenage years. With all the change and uncertainty 2020 has brought (fear, isolation, and struggle for so many) this doesn’t change fact. The fact is that God sent his son to live among up. A savior for all the world to see and acknowledge. There is joy and peace and hope in all of this.

I may need a break from family dinner for a hot minute. Kids will still be jerks sometimes, that’s life. Dealing with this is much easier knowing that Christmas is coming, Jesus is coming, our hope… Emmanuel.